Asking for help: Depression and Goldfish

In the last few weeks I have lost too many fish. Just one would have been too many, but Dharma, Bodhi, Akasha, Jampa and now Aggy! Dharma was his swim bladder but I will never be sure of the other four. I imagine the heat has had a detrimental impact on them. I also worry that my recent poor mental health has been a factor.

I am all too aware of how difficult it is to ask for help. I’m terrible at it! But fish and other pets don’t even have the luxury of potentially being able to tell us they’re in distress. I call it a ‘luxury’ because there are so many times when it feels like that.

I wonder if I should have asked for help with my fish tank. When I finally did, all my friend had to do was turn a tap on and off and be present to provide moral support and a bit of jeering along. Sometimes, that’s all you need. Sometimes, you need more than that.

My recent suicide attempt was not a cry for help. In that moment, I genuinely wanted to die. Even now and with a little time, space and help to clear my head there is a lingering regret that it didn’t work. For a fishy metaphor of this, I know that the water has been changed but that doesn’t mean that some pathogens haven’t been left behind and that there is always an inevitability that things will get awful again.

Like fish, I can’t change my own water but need a little help and support from those around me. This is a fact I am coming to accept. When you’re in the grips of a serious bout of depression it seems like this is impossible. Who do I ask? What will their reaction be? What help can they possibly give me?

As a teenager, my parents were less than useless. I still can’t believe that they didn’t spot all the warning signs and do anything about it. All the medical help I have ever received is because I have done the reaching out. Finding the words is hard now, even with a diagnosis, so reaching out verbally to my parents was all but impossible. ‘I think I have depression’ isn’t something I recognised, let alone was likely to say whilst feeling so awful.

If I could go back and speak to the teenage version of myself, I would advise to use a numerical scale. I would tell myself to bunk off school and take myself to the doctors and try to get some help. If there were no words, I could describe it numerically. I would tell myself to tell the doctors to ask me questions about my mood because the prompts would help both them and me to get the truth out.

As a social scientist, I know some of the pitfalls of different types of questions one could ask. There are advantages and disadvantages to both. ‘Tell me about your mood’ is so open ended and, particularly on a topic like depression, you might not get a full answer. Sometimes so-called ‘closed questions’ can be more beneficial. I have done many questionnaires about my mental health, not least of all the PHQ-9 test. This is useful as a patient because it doesn’t require too much disclosure in a short period of time. Of course, the social scientist in me (and depression patient) knows that these short and closed questions only go so far, but they open the door to the open questions once a trust and rapport has developed. Perhaps they are necessary to open those flood gates.

Depression is a lonely place to be. It really does seem like no one understands, or could possibly understand your feelings. To an extent, this is very true. Perhaps you have had a trigger which wouldn’t floor another person but it has floored you. Perhaps there was no trigger which makes things seem even more bizarre if you can’t even explain them to yourself.

The truth is that depression is subjective. It will pick its moments to raise its ugly head. What is painful to you wont be to another person, but that doesn’t mean that you should compare yourself to others. One thing I have learned is that everybody, myself included, are very good at hiding the realities of their lives. On social media and in real life, people may put on a brave face and hide the realities of their lives. Do you really think everything is that perfect for everyone else? There are struggles going on behind the scenes and these same people who you are comparing yourself to may be struggling just as hard as you but for a slightly different reason. They may be as good an actor or actress as you.

I recently ‘came out’ about my depression and anxiety on Facebook. The response has been phenomenal. Some people commented publicly in their support or solidarity that they were also suffering. Others sent me private messages. I realised very quickly that I wasn’t alone and that we all have our personal demons to face. I gave up hiding a big part of myself and found support and a degree of freedom I thought was impossible.

There have also been some very negative reactions to my mental health. My ex-boyfriend was against medications to help and thought a ‘change of attitude’ would help. I know he’s had some rough periods in his life but that wont work for everybody. He may be my ex but I would never wish this feeling on him for him to find out just how little a ‘change of attitude’ or someone even suggesting it will help. My (now former) housemates have moved out. Apparently they don’t feel ‘safe’ or ‘comfortable’ around me. What I have come to realise is that I don’t need people like this in my life. If they are only fair-weather friends, that isn’t good in the long term. They’re not real friends. As for lovers, in the long term, would they stick with the ‘in sickness and in health’ vow were our relationship to progress? I don’t need that.

Professionally, it can be really difficult to ask for help. I didn’t want to be seen as weak or have anyone question my capabilities to do my job/PhD. This is the stigma with mental illnesses. When there was a real risk that I might have cervical cancer, there was no question about my capabilities and yet we question this (even in ourselves) with mental illness.

I didn’t want to let my personal life and problems affect my professional life. The truth is that they do, even without us meaning for it to happen. Whether it is the fatigue or the lack of confidence, it will have an impact. Again, I am amazed by the compassion I have received having finally opened up. It turns out, I’m not alone! Whether within a university setting or a professional (normal) working environment, there are mechanisms and support structures to help. Occupational Health, for example, can be great to help. At university, there are so many people now rallying around to help. I’ve had conversations with the Wellbeing (pastoral care) department, the masters of two colleges, various admin staff etc. I have been bowled over by the support and I feel rather silly for not asking for help before.

I thought I knew what help was available but I have been proved wrong over and over again. Even just the fact that people know about my health is massive form of support. I now know who I turn to for support. What help there is available will differ from situation to situation but I have been amazed by what help there is which may not be widely known about. Even from friends, if I need a little jeering along or support I know there are people I can count on. Perhaps I just need some conversation while I hang out the washing or run some errands. Such tasks can be daunting on bad days! Perhaps I just need a rant. Perhaps I just need a distraction or to hear some good news.

The truth is, help is there. It is so difficult to ask for it but it is there. Once you’re receiving it things will get even just a little easier and that is a fantastic start!

Jampa and Aggy SIP

It is with a heavy heart that I announce the sad passing of both Jampa and Aggy.

Both passed away quietly this week, possibly of the same illness. Both were bottom sitting and hiding as much as they could. In Aggy’s case, she suddenly began turning from black to a bronze colour and her fins were ripped to shreds. Jampa has a poorly pectoral fin and some scales missing. I have absolutely no idea what has caused this, but I cannot help but worry that it was fish TB. It was so sudden and both appeared so very skinny at the end.

They were treated with the best medications I could find, but whatever had made them so poorly was just too strong for them – and both of them were little fighters.

I am utterly heartbroken by the loss of them both.

Tank decorating ideas – July

Well, as I’m sort of running out of ideas for decorating my tank, I thought I’d knock it down to one post a month. That said, this is actually quite a useful one!

Backgrounds for tanks are a funny one for me. When I bought a second hand tank, it had a really grotty background on it which HAD to be removed. It left a load of dirty old glue marks which were actually quite pretty with all the swirls, but I never got around to removing them.

Backgrounds come in all sorts of designs. If you shop around, you should be able to find all sorts. They tend to come on a roll and as long as you know the rough dimensions of your tank, you should be able to find something that more than measures up. You usually pay for the metre but the lady who measured out mine clearly has no sense of size and gave me way too much! Bonus!

I haven’t permanently attached the background to the tank yet and I haven’t cut it down to size. At present, it is haphazardly attached to the tank with a bit of sellotape to give me an idea. Once I move house, I’ll neaten it up a bit but I still don’t think I can stand to attach it permanently.

This time, I have gone for a blue and black reversible background. Both of these colours are great for making my fish really stand out. I chose to use the blue side so that Aggy wouldn’t blend into the background. Some people will have black sand/gravel too, to make their fish really stand out. As someone who doesn’t like substrate, I’ve avoided these.

The reason why blue works so well is because it is opposite orange on the colour wheel.

By looking at the colour of your fish, and looking directly opposite from it, you can see which colour would be great as a background. In this case, most of my fish are orange so a nice blue works well. I also have a lot of fish with a lot of white on them, so black would work – if it wasn’t for Aggy the black moor.

The colour wheel can be really helpful when decorating your home, as well as your tank. It’s definitely something to keep at the back of your mind.

Personalities

If there’s one thing I enjoy, it is learning about the personalities of my fish. They often surprise me with their growth in trust and development of self. Zhi-Zhi is very much her own girl and Bankei is very friendly. Jampa was very territorial but seems to have gotten over that now. Aggy seems to have become more sociable now Dharma is no longer with us, and Lotus was sad when he was ill and grieved when he died. Both Bodhi and Akasha grow in confidence daily.

Each of my fish is different. Not one of them looks the same as the others and yet they all get along. It might have been difficult for Jampa and Zhi-Zhi at first, but now they are friends. Bankei might be the first to swim to my hands these days and not leave me alone, but that doesn’t mean that he and Akasha don’t seem to get along because he is more hesitant.

As I’ve said before, difference is good. It breaks my heart to hear of all the racial tensions which are breaking out across the UK in the last few days. I really thought we were better than that. I can only hope that those who stand in defence of those being abused continue to do so. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for all that you have done so far. Perhaps that sounds strange coming from a white woman with one of the many regional English accents but I appreciate your humanity. You give me hope.

I thought I was raised to have a strength of character. My personality has certainly changed in a lot of respects but some of the fundamental things haven’t. When I was about three years old, I attended a Jehovah’s Witness preparatory school. It wasn’t for religious reasons that I attended but because it was a good school and I was nurtured. Every Friday we were allowed to take in 10p to buy sweets from the tuck-shop. One week, a fellow classmate forgot her 10p and cried. Without hesitation I said she could share mine. So impressed were the teachers that we both got our 10p sweets. I learned the value of kindness that day. My friends couldn’t attend my birthday parties because they, as JW’s, do not celebrate birthdays. To avoid leaving them out, my mum would throw a second party, a ‘tea party’, for them. We still ate cake and played games but it was without the label, and it was appreciated. I learned respect through that.

Those who knew me ten years ago or longer would tell you how much I have changed. Perhaps it is less about my personality and more about maturity. The thought of a hangover on a Saturday is off-putting to go out on the lash, as is the thought of sticky dance-floors in clubs which are little more than petri dishes for STDs. More and more, I move towards more respect for myself and other people.

I always took the value of being true to myself very seriously. In high-school, despite the mandatory uniform of a skirt, I couldn’t wear tights because of my skin condition. Despite being ostracised, I remained true to myself for five long (and very chilly) years. If The trends never affected me much – I liked the bands I liked because the music ‘spoke to me’ and the books I read interested me. I never ‘sold out’ to be part of a crowd.

On one friend’s first day, she was crowded round by the ‘plastics’ (if you’ve seen Mean Girls) who were ascertaining which clique she should fall into. Said friend didn’t fall into their category, or that of the serious musicians, or that of the massive Friends fan-base. She fell into my clique – the one left over when you didn’t fit into any of the others.

Competition was rife at that school. Everyone was trying to out-do each other in some capacity. You had failed a test if you got 98% and your friend got 99%. You were nothing without a Baby-G watch and Kickers shoes. Even now, there is still competition. Despite all the academic rivalry back then, now it is more to do with who is married and who has children. I, for example, am a failure in life because I am not married, I do not have children, and am still studying at university – even if it is for my fourth degree! Back then, to be as academic as I am now would have resulted in me being the main competition but I didn’t ascribe to it. I found my own place in the world when I was ready to do so.

I can’t help but wonder how long some of these realities will last. How many people rushed into their next mile-stone in order to keep up with the competition? How many of these marriages will end in divorce? It isn’t as though I want them to fail, but I still wonder.

For all the outward appearance of success by some of those in my school year, still waters run very deep. It has since transpired that there was lots going on behind the scenes of these people’s lives which none of us knew anything about. Some of them were quite scandalous! It is not my place to mention them but some ended up being reported in local media.

Even by teachers I could be made to feel a failure at times. By not conforming to the norms of competition against others, I was a failure. My 65% in a test was the worst thing that had ever happened. My essay which only received a B grade needed to be rewritten repeatedly until I got the mandatory A. This backfired and I ended up getting worse and worse grades with each rewrite, and the rest of my grades suffered. Those who supported me got the best from me but those who belittled me did not.

I was the one who would argue with the teachers when there was an injustice. One homework for biology class was a ten mark question about why polar bears are suited to their environment. This question was in the style of a GCSE question and we were to treat it as such. We had to give one point and one explanation; they are white so they are camouflaged gained two points; they have big paws to spread their weight across the ice so they don’t fall through gained two points etc. Generally, we were told we should spend about a minute per mark so I spent a grand total of ten minutes on that piece of homework. It wasn’t my best handwriting and was written on a rather shoddy piece of paper which had ripped when I tore it out of my pack of lined paper. When the homework was returned, I was berated by the teacher. She compared my answer to that of another girl. This girl had written two-thirds of an A4 page and drawn a rather beautiful picture of a polar bear on the bottom. This girl received an A grade and I scraped a D. In front of the class, my teacher said how bad my homework was but I fought back. I had done exactly as she had asked and treated it as a mock GCSE question. I spent no more time on it than I would in the exam. If the girl with the essay and beautiful drawing did that in the exam, she would not finish the paper and probably fail. Needless to say the teacher didn’t like that.

On another occasion after I had changed schools, I was doing my prefect duty outside the assembly hall and headmaster’s office after lunch. A young boy, perhaps aged eleven, was stood outside the office and covered from head to toe in mud. He was in tears and terrified to go into the office. I went and spoke to him and he explained that he had been pushed over in the mud. When he was called into the headmaster’s office, I could hear every word that man yelled at the boy. Soon after the boy ran out of the office, crying even harder. I couldn’t catch up with him but, at aged sixteen, I went and gave the headmaster a piece of my mind. Why hadn’t he listened to the boy? Was it necessary to shout so the whole school could hear him? What lessons did he think the boy had learned? I think he was dumbfounded.

Compromise is something I’m quite good at, until it comes to more core values like respect. I’m the first to admit that my self-confidence wavers often, but my self-respect grows and grows.

I’m the first to stand up and be counted when it matters. Those who are closest to me share those values. I will maintain radio silence on those whom I thought were close to me but obviously share such different values until my strength is regained and I can go back to speaking out.

Ups and downs

Dharma continues to baffle me with his floatiness. One day he’s absolutely fine and the next he’s belly up at the surface! He’s on a very heavy vegetarian diet at the moment. My fish still get the occasional cube of daphnia, brine shrimp or bloodworms. If I’m feeling very generous, they get my homemade gel food. I’m still desperately waiting on the Kanaplex so I can start treating him just in case. I know how he feels to be honest.

Some days aren’t too bad but then there are others where I genuinely just don’t know. I’m significantly better than I was a couple of weeks ago and yet I still can’t think. When asked a simple question, I can’t tell you the answer. Ask me a fact and I can tell you, but ask for my plans and you will get stunned silence. I neither know nor care.

I’m supposed to be going home this weekend to do birthday things with my family. It was going to be a big occasion but I just can’t face it. Luckily, my mum hadn’t invited many people because she wanted to know where I wanted to go. I neither knew nor cared. I still have to go about a meal with some members of my family but it is for their benefit more than mine. I get to see some friends which I’m excited about, but there’s a big part of me that just wants to stay locked away and minding my own business. I’m about as far from social as I can be. I’m well aware of the comments, questions and criticism coming my way and I really don’t fancy it.

Aggy isn’t looking too good either. When the Kanaplex arrives, I shall quarantine her and Dharma together. I think she’s injured one of her eyes. I’ve done big water changes but it still looks like a cataract. If it was both eyes, I’d be more concerned about water quality but with just one eye looking funny, I think it is an injury.

On the plus side, at least my fish will get a decent fast!

Good advice and bad advice

My goldfish have an odd way of communicating with me. I know it is bedtime when Dharma and Lotus go to the plant pot for a bit of darkness to rest more easily. I cover their tank with a blanket and, if I need to stay awake for longer, I turn off as many lights as I can. They show their excitement with their bottom-wiggles and their trust with their fishy kisses and hand-feeding. They’re not the greatest at conversation, but they do listen. Sometimes I look at Aggy, she looks back at me, and I’m sure we understand each other.

I will do whatever my fish need to keep them happy and healthy. That said, if it came to it, there’s only so much I can do and so much that is up to them. Dharma, for example, for all his mishaps is a fighter and I will fight with him on his floatiness. Sunshine the betta just didn’t have it in him at the end and I had to do what was best.

Sometimes listening isn’t with your ears but with your heart. Sometimes, you just know.

One of the qualities I love about particular friends in their ability to listen without judgement. I still can’t always be completely open about how I feel but they come pretty close. There will always be a point beyond which I cannot reach out. The trait I value most is their ability to listen, let me cry it out and then ask what ‘we’ can do about it. Never are my feelings devalued, scoffed at, or dismissed as the wrong mindset.

Then again, I also realised that I had hidden my depression from someone very close to me, as best as I could. There. I said it. I have depression. I have always had it and, on some level, I always will. The best part of twenty years of my life has been affected by this. This isn’t something that you change with a positive mental attitude!

I was discrete about taking my medications and didn’t tell them for a couple of months of knowing them that I had a diagnosis. Even when they knew, we didn’t talk about it. Their attitude to medications and depression was one whereby they could get over it by thinking positive thoughts on a morning or drinking a fresh glass of orange juice. Well, congratulations. You’ve clearly never experienced anything remotely close to this.

There is very little more insulting than being told to change your attitude. How little this person actually knew me! How frightening that if I really needed help, the one person I thought I could count on would pat me on the back and give me a glass of orange juice. At first I was shocked, then I was angry, now I am relieved. Even during our debate about medications many months ago, I was shocked by the lack of understanding and empathy. Do people not understand that it can’t always be cured with a change of attitude? That this is biological? Can epilepsy or cancer be cured with a positive mental attitude alone?

A positive mental attitude goes a long way for a lot of things, but used alone for depression it is useless. Even tightrope walkers have a safety net.

I can give my goldfish all the love and positivity they need, but sometimes they need a little more. Sometimes they need actual help. And so do I.

Stress in Goldfish

I got to thinking last night. It has been incredibly stressful in the last few weeks with worrying about my fish. I wake up frequently in the middle of the night anyway, but I’ve been constantly checking on them, willing them to be healthy, and desperately searching Google. When it comes to anything stressful that might be playing on your mind, whether it is your own health or that of a loved one, Google is the devil incarnate! It is always a death sentence and you always feel worse than before you started. They say ‘knowledge is power’ but often it is more like a horror film. Every picture of a sick fish I see in Facebook groups now must be suffering from Mycobacteriosis (MB)/Fish TB. It is a vicious cycle of worrying, Googling, worrying and Googling.

So if I’m now a nervous wreck, how must my poor fish be feeling? Well, Jampa, Zhi-Zhi, Bankei and Bodhi who are all currently in the tub (which I’m calling ‘camp’ as though they’re on a little holiday) are all quite happy. I was hoping they’d be enjoying the castle more than they are, but on the whole, they seem quite happy. Dharma, Lotus and Aggy in the main tank, on the other hand, are having their ups and downs.

Dharma seems much less floaty than he was. To my surprise, the Interpet swim-bladder treatment seems to be helping. On a night, I often spot him sleeping much lower in the tank than he was, unaided by the plant pot, and usually at the end closest my bed. Bless his little heart, he does love his fishy-momma. Aggy is pretty much the same. I think she’s fairly chilled out at the best of times. Lotus is still spending far too much time in that plant pot, even without Dharma!

Worrying about Lotus got me really thinking. She worries about Dharma as much as I do. They are inseparable. The reason they’re in the same tank together right now is because she can’t be separated from him for too long. Maybe she is stressed out? It must be horrible to see your best friend so ill and be utterly powerless to do anything. It is bad enough being the one with Google, but to be a fish?

Lots of things can cause stress in fish:

• Bad water quality/the wrong pH/the wrong temperature
• Massive changes in environment, like moving house, or sudden changes in the above conditions
• Too much light/noise
• Bullies
• Actual illness
• Mourning

So, in brutal honesty with myself, I considered these factors. My fish were subject to nasty water during fluke treatment because I was categorically told by Waterlife, in response to my email, not to change the water during treatment. Instead, I did my best and added more Prime to neutralise some of the nasties in there. I also rinsed out the filter media in a bucket of tank water and rinsed out the pebbles for the plants to remove excess poop.

Then, there was the massive change in environment. Four of my baby fish were removed and put in another tank, the amount of water in the main tank was reduced by half, and then there was the massive water change. I even tried adding more ornaments into the tank, in the hope that it might interest them to come out a bit more.

When it comes to light and noise, I’m working on this one. Covering the tank with a blanket will certainly help, especially at night. I could almost be tempted to move out of my bedroom for a couple of days, just to give them more peace and quiet!

There aren’t any bullies in the tank and I’m not aware of any physical symptoms of illness beyond the lethargy and hiding.

Now to mourning. Yes, goldfish are not heartless creatures and they do form strong bonds. They don’t mate for life but they do recognise when their friends are missing. The big reason why Lotus is in the same tank as Dharma while I look after him is because being without him would be too stressful. Aggy also likes to watch me and got really depressed in the translucent tub – her eyesight isn’t great anyway with her being a black moor. She doesn’t appear to have a special friend in the tank like Dharma and Lotus are to each other, but she definitely appreciates my company. It wouldn’t surprise me if Lotus was wondering where the four babies are, and worrying about Dharma.

So now I am working on ensuring as stress-free environment as I possibly can for the three fish in the main tank. Less light and noise for better rest, a good diet, water changes, and aquarium salt. The aquarium salt, I worried, would be counter productive for Dharma so I had avoided it until now. Epsom salts are the way to treat a floaty goldfish as they help ease constipation and any excess fluids. Aquarium salts don’t. They can, however, help treat a stressed goldfish and I have been known to call them ‘fishy Prozac’ for a reason! I have added perhaps a tablespoon and a half (very gradually) to the 90 litres in the tank and I did a 50% water change last night. I added in the medication for swim bladder I would have removed, and Dharma is no more floaty than he was before. He can still rest in the middle of the tank (with only slow floatiness to the top, if at all). Their diet is much more ‘fish friendly’ and I seem to be turning into the Gwyneth Paltrow of fish food. Now, it is only leafy greens and PROPER fish food for protein – daphnia, bloodworms and brine shrimp.

Tank decorating ideas 19-05-2016

I’m a really big fan of my live plants. I seem to have found really easy ones to care for and I think they look nice in my tank. When I first started out, I bought two fake plants along with a little Buddha statue for my new 20 litre. Of course, this tank was far too small but I still keep my fake plants around just in case I ever need to set up a quarantine tank.

There are a number of advantages to keeping live plants:

• They help oxygenate the water
• They eat nitrates (in small amounts)
• Some live plants can be eaten by your fish
• They can help reduce algae growth
• They provide a degree of security for your fish

Of course, there are disadvantages too:

• Dead leaves might drop off and need removing so they don’t release nasty chemicals into the water
• Some plants are easier to take care of than others
• Some plants need a specialised environment including fertilisers, extra CO2 and special substrates
• They can die and cost you more money to replace. (Some are really hardy though!)

A friend of mine claims to have established a tank so well planted that it is its own little ecosystem and never needs a water change. I’m highly sceptical, even if he does keep tropical and not goldfish. I think unless you have converted an Olympic sized swimming pool into a tank, and only keep two or three goldfish, this just isn’t feasible. Water changes are still a must.

Fake plants are, of course easy to look after in that they need no looking after! Even then, I find it quite disappointing how small so many of them seem to be. My 180 litre tank would look pretty silly if I only had my teeny tiny fake plants I originally bought! It is possible to find some slightly larger fake plants but they tend to look fake and can be quite costly. One of the big reasons why I like my real plants is that they grow and fill out space. I don’t particularly want to lose swimming space, but at the same time, it is nice to see a more natural looking aquascape.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s a little part of me that really loves the obnoxiously bright colours of some of the fake plants out there. My current bedroom is a hotchpotch of bright pinks, blues, purples, greens, yellows etc. I like to think I designed my bedroom around Penny’s apartment in The Big Bang Theory. Part of me would really love to tie this theme into my fish tank and yet I can’t help but feel that natural is better for them. I’m sure my fish don’t really care what their tank looks like as long as it is kept clean, the water quality is maintained, they have places to hide and are fed!

Fake plants also don’t need substrate. I really hate substrate as it can be a real pain to clean. I get around this by putting all my plants in pots filled with larger pebbles. Yes, there is room for more poop to collect, but once a week during a water change I will take out all the pots and rinse the pebbles in tank water before repotting the plants and putting them back into the tank. I do this rather than gravel because I keep finding gravel everywhere and no matter how hard I try, I always miss some bits. Moreover, rinsing gravel in tank water without keeping poop inside would be far more difficult. It’s a personal choice and I think I’ve made the right one for me.

Another thing I don’t like about fake plants is that they can actually be dangerous. Fish with beautiful flowing fins or poor eyesight (celestials, bubble eyes, telescopes and moors) can really hurt themselves on sharp edges.I had a hell of a job finding a cave ornament suitable for my betta because all of them in the shops seemed to have really rough edges or were just ugly! I did have a sort of fake bamboo looking plant but I wont use it in my tank because I worry that Aggy may damage her eyes on the spikes. If you’re going to go down the fake route, silk plants are always the safer option. If in doubt, if you’re deliberately going shopping for fake plants for your tank, take an old pair of tights (pantihose) to the shop and try rubbing them on the fake plant. If the tights snag or ladder, they could do some real damage to your fish and are best avoided.

I certainly wouldn’t shy away from live plants. They can be a lovely addition to a fish tank and don’t always require the level of care you might think. Personally, I love them… even if I am now thinking I might fancy some of those obnoxiously bright fake plants…

Dharma update

I don’t want to count my chickens. I really don’t. I’m having one last-ditch attempt to help him and for the past couple of hours, he really seems to have perked up.

This afternoon, I did a little research. The medication I really need isn’t available in the UK so I’m thinking about importing it.

In the meantime, I decided to go to my local fish store, the one with the most variety of medications to see what they could recommend. They were less than useless. I was looking for a broad-spectrum antibiotic and I left there with nothing. The usual advice of ‘have you tried feeding him peas?’ was, of course pretty wasted on me. Everything they suggested was a case of ‘yep, yep, did that… yep, that was my first instinct… yep, already doing that…’. Eventually, the woman concluded that there was nothing else to do and my Dharma was a lost cause. I felt like yelling ‘Here, take my money, just give me something to try and make my fish better!’ I left the store bordering on tears. I was already so miserable on arriving that I didn’t even wander around their actual aquarium section.

Instead, I headed to Pets at Home. I didn’t really want to go there as the choice is so limited. You have the choice of Interpet, Interpet or Interpet. So I started comparing active ingredients. Short of sitting on the floor, cross legged with each medication lined up (I do this with library books), it was quite enlightening. Most of them have the same active ingredients just in different concentrations. I didn’t want to start throwing heavy duty and crude medications at my fish, but at this point, I felt I had little choice. Interpet #13 for swim bladders was my top choice. The next was for internal bacteria but had the same active ingredients in a lesser concentration. I also picked up some frozen brine shrimp (sea monkeys) as a little extra protein.

Whilst in Pets at Home, I saw a lady looking at goldfish flakes and looking pretty clueless. She picked up Aquarian flakes, showed them to her partner and shrugged. ‘What kind of goldfish have you got?’ I inquired.
‘Dunno. We’re getting one like that.’ and she pointed at a picture of a common.
‘They need lots of room. What size tank do you have?’ I asked as she pointed at the twenty litre her husband just picked up. ‘Oh they need about 120 litres. A Siamese fighter [betta] would love that size though.’
‘It’s for my daughter’s room’
‘I see. I certainly wouldn’t get the flakes though. Goldfish will swallow air at the same time and it will give them all sorts of problems.’ And I pointed to the medicine in my hand.
‘Oh I dunno,’ the lady sighs, ‘there’s just so much…’ and promptly walked off.

At the supermarket, I looked super healthy! I bough a stir-fry for me, and savoy cabbage, broccoli, and baby spinach for the fish. Spinach hasn’t gone down too well in the past but we’re starting a new regime! No more treats without eating their greens!

Back at home, the brine shrimp went down a treat! Dharma, Lotus and Aggy were a bit confused at first but soon realised they were tasty treats. I then blanched a couple of spinach leaves (expecting them to be all but ignored), ripped them up a bit and put one in each tank. Defying all expectations, spinach leaves seem to have gone down rather well. I’m now looking for seaweed clips for my tank on Amazon and Ebay so I can give them a leaf or two during the day to graze on. Dharma has been the most active he’s been all day although he still occasionally takes a moment’s rest at the top of the tank.

I can’t say we’re out of the woods, but I’m not giving up hope just yet!

So I thought we’d turned a corner…

Last night I didn’t sleep as well as I would have liked. I didn’t do too badly but I think Dharma got more rest than I did.

As I turned out my bedside lamp, I saw him watching me from the tank. He wasn’t just watching me from the surface but quite still, about halfway down. He wasn’t struggling to be there and seemed quite happy. The blanket over the tank must really have been helping. This morning i woke up at about 8am and removed the blanket. He seemed much more himself although still a little floaty.

I have FINALLY done the water changes on my tank and the tub and I feel much better for it. Lotus is sulking because she hates water changes, and Aggy is quite happy. The babies in the tub are quite happy too.

Dharma, on the other hand, found his way back to the plant pot about half an hour ago. I can understand that it offers him some comfort and goldfish do like places to hide. Then again, they like the option  of having somewhere to hide – they don’t necessarily need to use it if they feel secure and happy. He’s now back in the Epsom bath while the other fish are being fed. They don’t need fasting like he does and I feel mean enough as it is. He’s been fasting for 24 hours and I’m quite tempted to let him have some veggies tonight.

His tummy feels about the same as it did yesterday. I can’t imagine that if it was an infection, he’d be as variable in condition as he has been in the last twenty-four hours. Surely he would just be getting worse and worse?

Three out of four blinds in my room are closed so it is far less bright than it has been in recent days. Normally two out of four would be closed, and those are over my bed. The fourth wont close because it is broken. Quite why darkness helped, I do not know. I don’t want to give him too much darkness because that would throw out his sleeping the other way. On the other hand, I’m being much more conservative with using the aquarium light so we’ll see how that goes.